My Past Medicines in review, what worked what didn’t.

I have taken Zoloft (sucks) Paxil (sucks more) Trazodone (don’t remember) Risperdal (WTF were they thinking?!? it made me hear voices) But all of these medicines were before I turned 18, the latter is my recent experiences with attempting to feel normal by using meds.

Effexor XR (75mg dosage) = Awesome for depression, seemed to relieve pain a bit, not as much as I’d like, but it’s an antidepressant. I felt it did it’s job well. But I fell into a depressed mood (over not being able to get more effexor) and had trouble taking my meds every day. I have an odd saving tendency, and i tried to take it every other day near the end of my prescription… to make it last. *slaps self in head*

Flexeril (Cyclobenzaprine) = I forget dosage, but it seemed to kinda help the pain. Definitely makes me sleep every time i take it, so I avoid it until I’m about to go to sleep for the night.

Diclofenac (75 mg dosage) = This is okay, but not great for total pain relief. This is good when I feel swollen. I don’t think the Doctor really knew what he was doing when he gave me this, it isn’t powerful enough for my pain. Causes a bad headache too.

Cymbalta = I haven’t really been on this long enough to feel it’s effects. It makes me happier, kind of a clarity happiness and not the fake ‘awesome’ effect other antidepressants seem to cause.

Ultram (Tramadol) = I first took this tonight, I have not felt normal in a long time. This completely took the pain away. I believe it’s one of the best, but perhaps not for long term use.

Demerol = Warm Mushy waves of immediate feeling good. Thats what it felt like… I got injected after an intense muscle spasm that left me in tears in the ER. Immediately took it away. Not sure about it for regular use *grins*


March 6, 2007. Depression, Doctors, Medicines, Pain. Leave a comment.

How did it come to this?

Here I am, uninsured, 400 pounds. I can barely do anything because of my chronic pain, I feel guilty as hell because I rely on my husband to help me with menial tasks. I am in a sticky situation.

It’s a vicious cycle really. Feel Immense Pain > Become depressed > Eat to Soothe Depression/Pain > Gain weight > Feel more Pain/Depression as my weight increases. > Diet to lose weight > Feel Immense Pain.

I am aware that I am not the only person in the world living this cycle. I have come to believe the pain I feel is from my Hyper mobility syndrome. Remember that kid who could bend their fingers in all the wrong ways… that girl who was extremely flexible? Yeah that’s me. But I’ve come to learn that while as a child that was fun and games it can have serious consequences as I get older. My joints are loose and by doing daily activities i constantly injure myself. I am in pain every day from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep. This disorder is also related to fybromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. This is a disabling condition, and I’m sure with my weight it can’t be good.

Now some of you may criticize me for my weight, and blame my aches and pains on weight or age… I am 23 years old, and I have been hurting like this since i was 14 and it progressively got worse. At the age of 19 I first noticed it while I was being sedentary after sleeping, my hips ached and I was sore and stiff in the morning. This was also when I weighed the least in my life in relation to my height. I weighed 200 pounds after losing 100 pounds. Before age 19 I only hurt while being active, with a stabbing sharp back pain, and of course my feet hurt. Lately my pain has been getting a lot worse, and I feel like dying to escape from the pain and the guilt that I suffer.

My depression has gotten much worse and seems to relate to the pain, the frustration I feel from not being able to work, and provide for my family makes me insane with guilt. Today as I start this blog I am on my last dollar, yes just one left. I have to ask myself how did it come to this? How did I allow my life to go so far downhill? I’m educated and smart. Why do I have to suffer pain and depression? … and why aren’t there any options for me? Why isn’t there any help for someone in a situation beyond control? Why has our government not provided me with assistance? Why wasn’t I able to get personal health insurance for any cost while I had resources?

In addition to the hell I am going through now I am also a survivor of abuse. I say that because I feel I have overcome the emotional pain of being verbally, physically, and sexually abused as a child. The depression I feel now if guilt and regret for not being a whole person, not being able to live my life. The fear of pain is overwhelming.

March 6, 2007. Depression, Fibromyalgia, Hypermobility, Insurance, Obesity, Pain, Poverty, Suicide. 1 comment.